Adkins Half Dozen

Different

2012-01-26T21:41:00.001-08:00

Only 41 minutes until my self imposed blog due date (why, on the craziest week of the month would I EVER impose a due date on myself? Noone PAYS me for this blog....so silly.)

So, I have had an incredible soul-filling, God-really-does-care-about-me-and-is-so-intimately-involved-in-my-life-kinda week...but I am too tired to post about any of that. Wouldn't do it justice.

I want to instead post about the stark differences between boys and girls. I mean, I know what you are thinking.....Of COURSE there are differences. I mean some are VERY obvious...But, after a zoo trip with my sweet friend Kristen, and her fabulous female foursome, I have thought of the following NOT SO obvious differences:

1. Girls will not turn the zoo carousel into a circus act, climbing from each horse/dolphin/tiger on the carousel, when the attendants aren't looking.

2. Girls will not PUNCH at the glass of a spider exhibit.

3. Girls will not notice the VERY MALE parts of the Lion showing his VERY MALE parts in the lion exhibit.

4. Girls will not try to get in a staring contest with primates. Each participant baring it's teeth. We got the opposable thumbs, we are already winners, boys. No contest here.

5. Girls will stroll through the zoo. Taking notice of pebbles along the way, flowers, scenery, etc. Boys, however will take the zoo stroll as a chance to practice acrobatics, leaping from rock to rock and sometimes, tree to tree. They will also used the roped off portions of the zoo as "short cuts". (Efficient little dudes, they are,)

6. Girls will take in each exhibit. Absorbing details such as animal habitat, mannerisms, characteristics...boys will glance at the animal and say profound comments such as "Cool elephant....but did you SEE that LION?" (See #3)

7. Girls will ask politely to visit the restroom. Boys will look for a tree.

8. Girls wait their turn for a chance to pet the iguana that the zoo keeper is holding. Boys, a particular two year old one to be exact, will take the opportunity to give the said a iguana an aggresive "squeeze"....just 'cause.

9. Girls will wait patiently for lunch. Boys will become instantly hangry (hungry to the point of being angry).

10. Girls will never scare the animals with yelling, screeching, grunting, or squeaking.

Make no mistake, I adore my boys! And I adore the way God made us so different!

Thanks, Kristen for a great day!

Grace Comes Softly

2012-01-22T06:28:00.000-08:00

I sucked the air out of the room again. They stare at me with a hurt and blank stare. Their memories of me not syncing up with this new red faced version of mother.

My yelling isn't insulting, there are no bad names flailing. But the tone. Oh the TONE.

I know immediately the wounds I have inflicted on their young fragile souls. Immediately. The cracks and fractures that I have caused. They so small. Me so big. And LOUD.

And over what? Over a flooded toilet bowl. Over laundry only half done. Over mismatched socks and missing shoes.

My guilt is immediate. Followed closely by my shame. I pray. I wonder how on earth God has entrusted me with these children. What was HE thinking? Surely they will be on a couch somewhere in 15 years rehashing these loud mornings.

I pray some more.

I apologize. I cry. They cry. I ask forgiveness.

I've promised myself I will always ask forgiveness. Because, deep down I KNOW that they, seeing me in my humanness, working out my salvation with fear and trembling, me, muddling through this mess of motherhood, and teaching, and lack of holiness, these mess ups, and reconciliations are as much a part of showing them my need of a savior as any Bible verse I've ever read. Me showing me that long after the surrendering of my soul there is this sin. This nagging darkness that presses in. The lion that prowls around seeking to kill, steal and destroy.

With much hope, I pray that my need for a savior reminds them that they need a savior. That we all need a savior. RESCUE ME from ME!

I am not a theologian, but I do like theology. And there is this life lesson for me. Maybe for everyone? This desire to want to press on. This inner desire to look more and more like the Christ that has saved me. But, oh, how short I fall!

There is the me that I want to be. This great mother. This much-holier-than-I'll-ever-be mother. This bakes-cookies-from-scratch-with-all-organic-ingredients mother. Then there is the reality. This stands-in-the-kitchen-red-faced-LOUD-about-chores mother. This falls-short-more-often-than-not mother.

But, glory! There those children are. Are they smiling at me? Have they forgotten the wound I inflicted? No. This is grace. The Lords grace. They may not forget the LOUD, but they have forgiven and offered me another start. What? They are laughing!

Dear Lord, I know that I do not deserve their grace, and ultimately, I do not deserve YOUR sweet grace. But, I thank you for giving them their forgiving hearts. I pray each day for a new start. A new beginning. A chance to be the mother you have called me to be. May you slay the evil one, blow by blow! Thank you for not giving up on me when I fail you, and when I fail them. Thank you, God for your Word. Your Word that shouts your GRACE from the pages!

Amen

A new post coming no later than Jan 26! Looky there! I have accountability!

My "Not-So-Light" Blog after Hiatus

2011-12-19T13:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long blogging break. Truth is, I have been in a serious period of growth. And, like any growth, it's painful, makes you vulnerable, exposes things about yourself that you don't want to admit, much less blog about.

I wrote another version of this blog. After working on it for over an hour of precious baby "nap time" I highlighted and pushed "Delete".

Here's the gist: I have been in an unthankful place. I have hated it. Prayed about it. Lamented about it. Grieved over the status of my heart. I suppose when one goes through this, (can I assume that we all have at some point? Please? I need to feel a little normal.) it could be about anything: our lot in life, our jobs, our children, our lack of children, our schools, our income, the list could go on forever. My unhappy heart, or lack of focus on what the Lord has done, has been regarding my house.

I am a homemaker. And my last home was amazing. An undeserved, beautiful custom home. A dream house.

We have, with the move to Houston moved into a rent house. And by the world's standards, it would be considered a palace. Red brick, traditional home. And. So. Not. Me.

And please, make no mistake. I KNOW that I should have a grateful heart, but I have allowed my thoughts, and head to settle on what is not, instead of what is. I have allowed the ugliness to breed and fester. Letting the evil one to whisper louder and louder, "You DESERVE more than this!"

But, as the Lord always does, he Has listened to the lamenting. And in His most awesome and gracious way, has reminded me of the following story during our morning advent devotional:

4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. Luke 2:4-7

Most of the time, I have focused on the Christ child and His humble beginnings in a manger. My nativity is set up. I have the shepherds, the wise men, and the adoring parents all in the correct positions. And the story, obviously, is all about Jesus.

But, on this particular morning, I focused in on the character I most identify with. The mother. Young, uncomfortably pregnant mother of the one that would change everything. She could have lamented to the Lord about why, she of all people, should have her birthing accommodations in a filthy, muddy, stinky animal stall. But no,

But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart. Luke 2:19

My children continued on with their waffles after the story. But not me. It pierced deep.

Forced me to ponder on what I have to be treasured. My focus. My heart.

My friends.

My family.

My husband.

My children.

My church.

My God.

I am praying that there is no more growth this year for my sad little heart (just kidding, sorta). But, truthfully, I AM praying that what I treasure in my heart is the abundance of blessings He bestows on me with each breath. I am praying that the most wonderful of treasures, Immanuel, is my family's focus throughout this season, and on throughout 2012.

I think it's time to go dust off my 1000 Gifts book and journal once more.

I'm Coming Back.

2011-09-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

Lot's of blog ideas rattling around. Get ready.

To Jake

2011-05-18T08:10:00.000-07:00

I wrote this last week....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAKE

My son, Jake turns 3 tomorrow. THREE. 3.

Happy 3rd birthday, Jake (Jaker, Jakey, Come-Jo-Be, Jacoby) -

You have changed me in more ways than I can count.

You have reaffirmed that our love from Christ is so big, it can make your heart hurt.

You have reminded me that we are ALL adopted sons and daughters of The Most High.

Your curiosity is insatiable, and at times you have worn us out with it. However, it has also reminded us to stop and smell the roses on more than one occasion. After all, a ladybug IS truly MARVELOUS.

You are a funny little kid. We laugh so much after we put you and your siblings to bed over the things you do during the day.

You only have two speeds. Running and sleeping. You remind us that we need to stay in shape to keep up.

You are truly a beautiful child, with your birthmother's high cheekbones and your birthfather's coloring and height.

THAT SMILE. Wow - LIGHT. UP. THE. ROOM.

In fact...I don't know many people who see your face and can NOT smile....

I had thoughts on adoption that I wanted to share with you today, but after thinking about it, I kinda felt like Jake just needed his own birthday on this blog, sans adoption opinions. That will come later.

I will tell you that on each of his birthdays, so far....my heart aches for his birthmother, with the reminder that all adoptions begin with a loss. A loss, deep, wide and jagged. But out of that loss, hope begins again, because our God never stops redeeming. He never stops making good out of bad. Nothing is wasted.

I Once Was Blind....

2011-05-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

This year, we have been attempting to be more intentional in adding holiday traditions that are more than fluff. Fluff is fun, and we still want some fluff (I believe our God is a God of fun)... but, ultimately, we ALL know Easter has nothing to do with bunnies bringing eggs and leaving mounds of plastic grass that can be discovered all year round in funny crevices in the house.....(I think I just found some in my sock?)

This year, we wanted to add a tradition that my dear friends, the Nielsons*, do each year for Easter. They turn off the lights.

On Good Friday, in remembrance that the Light of the World was crucified and killed they turn off lights and electronics. Then, on Sunday morning, the Lights are turned back on, because, the Light was not snuffed out eternally, but conquered death to give us hope everlasting.

With flashlights and candles ready...we jumped on it.

LESSONS LEARNED IN THE DARK

THE LIGHT IS TAKEN FOR GRANTED

Stating the obvious, it is very hard to get things done without light.

The Earth needs light. Our eyes, have to have some light to see. In complete darkness our rods and cones just can't get it done. They DEPEND on the light. Without the light, we are fumbling around, feeling our way. No guidance. Everything is HARD.

But, taking the obvious further....His Light would be missed, coveted, and desired till the ends of time without His Son. Why had I taken this for granted? How dark would it be by now?

DIRT (and SIN) LOVES THE DARK

Dirt, in my house, is a constant battle. I am not a "cleaner" by nature, but, I do try. However, in the dark, the dirt THRIVED, BRED, AND CONGREGATED. The sticky was everywhere. When we turned the light back Easter Sunday it was unavoidable: We are really dirty people.

Without the light, another type of dirt would thrive, wouldn't it? The natural bent that we flawed humans all have would go unchecked. THRIVING, BREEDING, and CONGREGATING. Oh, how we need the Light to shine its splendor on the DIRT and GRIME on our souls!

WAITING ON THE LIGHT

We waited on the light. Chores and reading had to wait on the light of the next day. (Bedtime came a lot earlier as well.) And, I thought, like never before, how God's people were literally WAITING on the Light. How they had dreamed of having the Hope of the one True Savior...and then He was there! I think about these stories, being told, generation after generation about the One that would come. I wonder if, back then, I would believe He was who He said He was.

I also remembered how I should be ANTICIPATING the Lights return. How often do I even think about this? Shouldn't this be my daily prayer?

We will be doing this tradition again next year. Aside from the deep spiritual lessons I am praying that my kids will learn one day from this tradition...let's be honest...at ages 8, 6, almost 3, and 2.....THEY LOVED THE PLAYING IN THE DARK. The novelty of the flashlights and the candles (the DANGER!) was a blast. (We did have one incident where a certain child had to be taught that it's not a funny thing to yell "CANDLE DANGER! CANDLE DANGER! CANDLE DANGER!" at the top of his lungs when there was not, in fact, any danger. In reality, there was just a bit of candle wax dripping onto the counter.)

*Full disclosure: The Nielson family turns off all electronics as well. We did not, and yes, we did use the illumination from the microwave, the movie flickering from the TV, etc....I am sure that this had DEEP negative spiritual implications for us...but since this is MY blog...I don't have to go into that....do I?

To My Mom

2011-05-07T07:01:00.000-07:00

Every year, on Mothers Day, my mom asks me to write something for her present. And, every year, on Mothers Day, I blow her off with a lame excuse. "I am not inspired", "I do write....on facebook...at least 3 status updates a day", "I don't know what to write about"....

The last excuse is slightly true. Sometimes, I have so many subjects, or not enough subjects....to write ABOUT.

Well...I have decided to write about what I did not know....

To My Mother

What I Didn't Know...

I didn't know that you stayed up all night and rocked me to sleep, while praying for a break in my fever.

I didn't know that you missed out on many opportunities so I would have some.

I didn't know that the endless lessons paid for, dragged to, cajoled to attend and participate in, were not of some torture method perfected throughout time by mothers of all tribes and continents, but yet, an effort to find what natural tendencies and gifts the Lord had bestowed me, and to nurture them so that I would become the woman that God intended.

I didn't know that you prayed for my salvation each day until I accepted Him.

I didn't know that you stared at my little dimpled hands, and the fat rolls on my chubby baby thighs and thought that I was the most perfect thing God had ever created.

I didn't know that you prayed for a man to come along side me, to be a leader, and to teach my children to love the Lord.

I didn't know that it REALLY did hurt your heart as much or more when mine was broken over a failed relationship in my life or one of life's many rejections.

I didn't know that when you said how beautiful you thought I was that it wasn't an obligatory "mom" statement....it was how you really felt when you looked at me.

I didn't know that you worried whether or not you were the best mother for me. Wondered whether or not you were equipped with the skills to mother this easily distracted, and flighty child.

I didn't know that when you were bragging on me to your friends you weren't trying to embarrass me, you were just truly proud of the young lady I was becoming.

I didn't know that each decision you made was always filtered with what you felt and prayed was the best decision you could make to benefit me and my sister.

I didn't know that when my daddy died, your grief was as much about the loss of a father to two young girls as it was the loss of a spouse.

I didn't know that you truly wanted me to feel supported and loved no matter the decisions I made in life.

I didn't know the depths of your love, your fear, your hopes, your dreams, your unfailing support, your admiration....until I had children of my own.

Until I held that baby in my arms 8 (almost 9!) years ago and my world was changed. And I KNEW that I would rather have my life crushed than one hair on her head be harmed.

And then I also REALLY knew the Love of the the One that you worshiped, adored and prayed to concerning my life...and ultimately your legacy.

I love you, Mom. Thank you for loving me, and above that...loving Him.

Meg

PERFECT PARALYSIS

2011-02-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

PERFECTIONIST. I have been thinking a lot about this word lately. I am going to throw you for a loop here. I consider myself one. No, not the kind of perfectionist that has her life all orderly. No, that one is not me. I am the perfectionist that doesn't complete anything, because it will never be PERFECT. I am a PARALYZED PERFECTIONIST.

Example #1 - I start a diet EVERY Monday.

EVERY MONDAY.

EVERY SINGLE MONDAY since I was 19 and realized that the chips and salsa I eat frequently won't just disappear after chewing, but will, instead, rest comfortably on my backside till eternity. And...EVERY SINGLE MONDAY I fail by lunch. Not a big failure, but maybe a piece of cheese, or possibly a small crumble of brownie that stuck to the spatula, calling my name, sweet chocolaty goodness..OOPS! I licked it off.....

My Perfectionism (read: The evil one, abbreviated as MP from here on out) then tells my little dieting brain : "Forget it, lady. You might as well eat the whole pan, and give up for today. Your diet is SHOT."

That's not the truth though is it, folks? The truth is, I had a brownie crumble. BIG DEAL. Normal (not paralyzed perfectionist's) just move on and have a nice salad for dinner.

Example #2 - My House. Well...if you know me..there is no need to elaborate. Alan can't understand....but its rooted in some very strange form of perfectionism. Just check out www.flylady.net to learn more of this strange disorder.

I don't KNOW the perfect place for this paper, vase, missing game piece, plastic doohickey....therefore - I am going to just put it in this pile until I know exactly where to put it. And there it sits..till sometime in 2012 when I can't stand it any longer and deposit it in the trash. (where I could have put it in 2011, really) MP wins again.

Example #3 - This blog. Look at the date of the last post. Sad...really.

Example #4 - Memorizing the Word. Because of some personal convictions, I started this year, attempting to memorize God's word. The book of Philippians, to be exact. I did great for a couple of weeks, and then...because I fell a LITTLE behind. I pretty much stopped. MP had fed me the same old line, that seemed to work..."See, you can't do this. You have four little kids, you homeschool, you don't have time. And look how far behind you are! You'll never catch up."

Ugh. MP had won again.

UNTIL.... I decided to turn MP off.

God didn't ask me to be perfect. In fact, he knows I can't, won't and therefore SHOULDN'T make the attempt. Instead, His glory is made AWESOME by our weaknesses. He LOVES it when we depend on Him...."But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made PERFECT (my emphasis) in weakness"....2 Corinthians 12:9 I know I have quoted this verse before. But, it's just my mantra for this school year. His grace is sufficient.

His Glory is fully realized when I step aside and let HIM work. So, I prayed, and somehow started again. On the entire list stated above. God is so good, and with all my weaknesses, He has plenty of room to work around here.

*Note to my very small group of sweet blog followers. I AM going to try to be better. I AM.

New Territory

2010-09-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

OK. Sit down. What I am about to tell you is a true story. A scary story. A story of a Frontier. A New Uncharted Territory, and what I hope is...a Beginning.

Are you ready?

We canceled our TV today.

Completely canceled. Kaput. Nada. Done. Finished.

OK - seriously - we just put our account on HOLD. No TV through the end of the year.

The idea came from the most unlikely of sources. My football adoring husband.

We had been kicking around the idea. But, never had the nerves to actually do it.

But today...we did.

It all came from him. He prompted me with the "I need to talk to you about something." Oh. Gosh. What could it be? Are we moving? He doesn't like homeschooling after all? He wants to be a part of a nudist colony?

No - something much worse came out of his mouth: "I think we should (dramatic pause) cancel the TV."

You see, it had always been me that had mentioned the idea(quite honestly KNOWING he would never agree to such an insane idea...and yet, I could possibly get credit for being the mature parent and spouse wanting our family to live more wholesome lives.)

I'll admit it. I balked. "What about the evening news?" "What about the new seasons coming up?" And then the mother of all tv watching events: "What about FOOTBALL?!"

"OK"- I said, digesting what our new life would hold, realizing there would be no new "Office" episodes, (and isn't this Steve Carrel's last season?!!!!).... no Elmo to entertain the preschoolers for an hour during the "morning work" of school...no MAD MEN....

"Let's do it right now....before....we chicken out"....He said he would take care of it.

He went off to his office to do "THE DEED"...and then he was back.

"Did you do it?," I asked. He shifted in his chair, and replied sheepishly: "Well...ok, I backed it down to local channels only, and just about 20 educational channels."

By this time, I had settled into the idea, and KNEW that we could not compromise on the original plan. "No. I think the way that this idea scares us is PRECISELY the reason we should do it. COMPLETELY."

Off we went.

He then sent a dramatic text (can texts be dramatic?)

"IT IS FINISHED"

There will be more updates to come.

(The reader should be made aware that we still have Netflix, and Netflix instant queue - let's not go too far off the deep end, people)

Now - to break the news to the children. It won't go well.

Pardon the Interruption

2010-09-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

I am discovering that right smack dab in the middle of homeschooling, something funny is happening....a nice HEALTHY dose of LIFE.

Yep, in between math and spelling, regular old LIFE is going on around us.
Yesterday our household experienced a hard working daddy leaving WELL before the rest of the house awoke, 2 beads stuck in one child's nostrils (and the yuck that comes with that), a dear friend asking for big prayer for a child, a MeeMaw (thanks again, Mom) babysitting while the mama attempted to get her teeth cleaned, then poor dirty-toothed mama proceeding then to get lost somewhere in between Smallville, and Countryville, TX and therefore MISSING her dentist appointment, ice cream being served to soothe the mama who was sad about missing her dentist appointment (don't judge), 3 meals, 2 snacks, 7 dirty diapers (one baby has tummy troubles), 8 bath/showers, one tarantula captured, and Bible Study at a friends home....and the list could go on.

The point is...I think I need to get used to interruptions and the fact that life is not stopping for us to do school. It is so hard! Those of you who know me well may be shocked to learn that I, too, (even in my insanely disorganized state) have an agenda. AND I REALLY LIKE TO GET THROUGH THE AGENDA. When the boxes are checked, I feel pretty darn proud of myself!

But in all the craziness of today (and I am sure that my craziness looks just like your craziness....) I am trying to remember, that my God, my God of ORDER is also the GOD of interruptions! These interruptions to my "agenda" may have EVERYTHING to do with His agenda! Lord, please keep reminding me that NOT the "checking the boxes" may be more YOU and less me!

As for an everyday update on our homeschooling? The short answer is....it's changed my life. Here's a couple of images from this week I wanted share.

This is how we start our morning....with a little dancin'...

And here is our latest project....Joseph's coat! The OA's (older Adkins) loved the painting! And I am pretty sure that these coats might give the original a run for its money....

A Week? Already?

2010-08-12T14:59:00.000-07:00

OK, the title to this blog should REALLY be....."Good Grief, This Was A Long Week"....but we made it! In a flurry of activity, we have studied Egyptians, made Hieroglyphic name charts, graph charts, tally charts, read LOTS, studied nouns, 3 types of verbs, art studies, nature studies, learned about three types of wasps, memorized two scriptures, one poem,completed two spelling tests, several reading lessons, gobs and gobs of art (aka coloring pages)....Whew! No wonder the teacher is TIRED!

The learning curve is HUGE, and my teaching style is less than perfect. In fact, yesterday, in true flawed human form...I forgot....MATH. Yea, thats pretty important. I'll work on that one.

My review, from one short first week...I think I am going to REALLY like it. I see our future...its pretty awesome! The review from the children is....well...less than enthusiastic? I keep waiting for them to look up at me, with starry eyes, perhaps a small tear falling down their cheek to say "Mom, wow. We love this. We see the benefit in this. We understand and appreciate all of the time, prayer, and work you have put into this endeavor." No such luck. The conversations really are more like this:

Me (fishing once again for a compliment): "Lauren, do you like school?"
Her (annoyed at me once again fishing for a compliment) Shrugged shoulders.

Me (a WHOLE hour later, because I wouldn't want to badger anyone for a pat on the back, or perhaps a small ticker-tape parade): "Hey, isn't this great? Don't you LUUUUUVVVV school??!!"
Lauren (once again annoyed at my persistence): "Well, in public school......(this begins several of her statements as of late)________________ you can imagine the comment, something about more science experiments, the ability to pick WHATEVER book out of the library that she should want to read, how she didn't really have to read for a WHOLE hour last year, blah, blah, blah.....

I am, as you may already know, raising "nay sayers." The dictionary describes them as: a person who habitually expresses negative or pessimistic views. Yep, but their picture looks adorable next to the definition, though.

I do think they like it. On more than one occasion, I have sneaked a peak from whatever book I was reading aloud and I have seen...wait for it....A SMILE.

So, I may have to wait for the outspoken gratitude. I will just take their sweet smiles, and occasional hugs as confirmation that we are right where God intends us to be for this season.

May I Boast?

2010-08-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

Success! The first day was a success!

I have literally spent since May of this year POURING over curriculum, lessons, subjects, teaching styles, scheduling books, and when all of that was done...MORE BOOKS! I have called every single friend (and some that hadn't heard from me in since highschool) to discuss motivations, their feelings toward homeschooling after they had done it for a while and to learn their techniques. I have spent hours typing up plans, typing out schedules, making notebooks, decorating my room....

And the time paid off this morning. Things ran pretty smoothly. Yes, there were glitches. Like...I am not sure how to handle the stopping and starting as I tend to some of the babies needs. Lauren and I already struggle with staying "on task" so I will have to work really hard to avoid too many distractions. I have plans for this...I'll post more on what happens with the little ones while I am teaching later. I am trying to remember flexibility is key (from what I have read, obviously not from personal experience.)

Last night, around midnight, as I was finishing up the very last of the preparations, sweeping the room and about to turn off the light...the Lord gave me a verse:

9 But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Let me just boast for a minute! I have so many weaknesses! I am NOT organized, I am not a teacher at heart, I do not have a single disciplined bone in my body. I do not like schedules. I can hardly remember what I walked into the pantry for at noon, much less keep lesson plans straight. I lack perseverance. I AM A QUITTER.

Though I have not found the cure for cancer and I didn't solve the world's problems this morning....I started homeschooling two children. And to this, I give the glory to Christ. I am pretty sure that I can count the completed tasks in my life on one hand...yet....this happened today! I knew what I was doing, I felt organized, and my kids weren't staring at me with a giant question mark over their heads waiting on what I might forget next :)

God is good. And I am so glad that I got to see His awesome perfection in my weakness!

Now, everyone remind me of this post on the day I have a complete meltdown (and we all know that will come...:)

Less than 48 hours....

2010-08-02T11:22:00.001-07:00

So. I am a little nervous. It's not that I don't already know that it WILL all work out. Because, it ALWAYS does. But, still, I am nervous. I am starting to homeschool two of my children in less than 48 hours. I'll give the background to this decision on a later post, maybe. But the bottom line is....I think God is asking me to do this. Maybe for a year? A semester? I don't know. I am working hard on following what God wants me to do right now...because if I go any further than that, I get a combination of nausea/butterflies/shortness of breath that I don't really like. So...I am going to pray, pray, pray and just move forward with the next step in front me.

Who knew those sweet ladies that have homeschooled for years were so BRAVE? Crazy, we knew (I am now ONE of the "crazies", so I can say that)....

What I do know is this: I need accountability. Thus....the blog.

I love the idea of a journal, but will never do it. It takes too long to handwrite my thoughts, and I much prefer the computer, as I can type almost as fast as my disjointed thoughts come.... So...I am starting this blog. It will be short at first. I don't have time to give it the upstart it deserves, and if I wait till its perfect....well....if you know me...it will never happen. I think I will share it, but I am not really sure. I want it to be real, honest, and transparent. So, I am going to try to write for me and me alone at first.

God is teaching me. Teaching me, day by day to rely on Him and Him alone to sustain me in my own messy, disorganized, insecure, unsure self. Still...I am SLOW to learn (but He is ever patient.) I am so thankful He is constant, because I have changed my mind about this 76 times and counting.....

I had to laugh. I called a HS mentoring friend this morning to ask what was the perfect Bible study is for my kids. Me being the "rule following perfectionist" that we have all come to know and love, wanted the PERFECT Bible study. I wanted something that was solid, exciting and truthful. Her response? Why don't you just start with THE BIBLE? Yea. Hadn't thought of that.

I AM nervous, but not at all concerned with how this will "turn out". It may be that I fail, but I am learning, year by year, that some of my biggest failings have been JUST at the right moment when I needed a BIG lesson from Him! Or, it may be that I have found my lifes work (quite literally, as I have AT LEAST 17 more years with children under my roof/in school.

I am more nervous about the day to day, the routine, the discipline it will take to teach two children, and make sure that our house isn't completely covered in Sharpie marker by my two and one year old at the end of each day (I have two very artistic children)

So, here it is...less than 48 hours.....I better get it together.